Where I've Been (And Where I'm Going)

Whoa.  It's April already!  Which means May is just around the corner.  Which means that my girls are, holy bazongas, nearly a freakin' year old!  Really?  Really??  This cannot be happening.

So much has been going on and I have no excuse whatsoever for not having blogged about any of it but I must admit that I feel less bad about being absent from Blogger than I do about not having kept up with the girls' baby books.  Bad mommy.  Add those to the list of things I visualized myself peacefully doing while my angelic daughters napped peacefully and without incident.  Those idyllic visions of stay-at-home mommyhood that we all have during our first pregnancy?  Yeah.  Let's just say that I was uninformed that those were complete and utter chimera.

There has been an unforseen and completely random high fever with June, an equally unforseen (and unwelcome) bout of gastroenteritis in everyone except me, the addition of worms to our kitchen (in a controlled and intended environment, of course), the birth of my niece Reagan, and countless cups of coffee.

In addition to events, there has been a realization on my part that I need to reevaluate my thinking and an unexpected new interest in the concept of mindfulness and presence - a sort of parenting Zen - for me.  I'm far from religious and would consider myself Agnostic, but the idea of being present in each moment is one that I would consider philosophical more than spiritual.  It is also one that I am starting to consider essential in my life.

The days I've been able to spend time watching my niece have shown me how blessed mothers of singletons are to be able to focus on and bond with their babies in a way that is so complete.  It's something that I never had the opportunity to do with Harper or June in the early days, even with all the help I had, and it's something that I've certainly felt the lack of.

But beyond parenting I have to say that mindfulness and presence is something that I've struggled with all my life, in general.  Part of the nature of ADD is that it prevents me from focusing on any one thing for any significant amount of time.  My house reflects this in the seemingly aimless piles of projects that lay strewn about each room.  Not to mention my lengthy and spotty undergraduate career.  And in my own personal development.

We started having an EI specialist come to our home weekly to work with June, who has been just slightly delayed in terms of language.  As much as I believe that it's nothing to worry about, I know that language is a major area to have a delay in and I made the decision that I'd rather be safe than sorry.  So far, it's been more fun for me than them, I think, just to know that someone is coming once a week and that I'll get to have an adult conversation in the middle of each week.  What's even better about it is that our worker has twins herself (granted, hers are twelve years old, but as twin mamas will understand, sometimes you just need another twin mama to talk to), so she's been a fabulous resource for me if only just to check my own sanity and gauge my own experience.

She made the comment last week that the days seem long but the years go so, so fast.  It couldn't be more true, and it was something that I hadn't been able to put words to until she said it.  It reminded me how important presence is for Harper and June, especially now.  So what I've been doing in my extended blogging absence has been trying to learn how to refocus through the idea of Zen practice.

But I'm not doing Yoga or anything.  I haven't gone that Enya.  =)  I'm also taking a Coursera course on the idea of knowing oneself which has been a really fabulous complement to this whole notion of being mindful.

In the year to come, I'd like to improve on that part of myself.  And I am sure that the improvement will show, perhaps most importantly, in the girls, who I need to remind myself should always be my first focus.  Not the dishes.  Not the garage sale.  Not even my writing.  Just them.  Just sitting on the floor, saying "in, in in," while they drop plastic lids into big plastic containers.  Just repeating their babbles and imitating their facial expressions.  Just dancing to John Prine and singing Counting Crows.  Just that.  Just this moment.

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In other news, my article on sleep training comes out in the spring issue of Multiplicity tomorrow.  I'll post the link when it goes live.

And I'm going to try to get better about checking in with you all.  Thanks for all the page views!  I hope I'll post things you'll like.